Sorry If I Sound Bitter, Mean, or Crazy

Every day I awaken to a new challenge. Today it was a friend's reprimand on my blogs, saying I was too bitter. Wow, that was an eye-opener. If I've come off too bitter, I have to say that has not been my intent. I mean for a couple of things by blogging: First, to express myself the way I always have by writing. There are a no less than a dozen pink and purple diaries with some flimsy brass lock, and all my juvenile thoughts and feelings scribbled on pink hued pages in some Milpitas land-fill as a testimony to that: I have always written my thoughts down, and especially in times of difficulty. It's what I do, and it's why I had to ditch business degree aspirations for writing. I could no more wrap my brain around business than I could around astrophysics.

Then, secondly, my blogging is my way of dealing with a situation that is overwhelming for me. In my family, we use humor to sort out the hard stuff. That's why when my grandfather had his leg amputated, my mother and aunts brought individually wrapped socks to him as a gift, and HE thought it was funny. When he recounted that act of humor to others, he called my mother and aunts "his angels," because for my family the ability to make each other laugh is, indeed, a heavenly thing.

In fact, my grandfather could not have handled his difficulty any other way, and neither could we. My Grandpa McNiel taught me how to laugh at the unlaughable things. He had a difficult life, and yet, always had a big, if not sometimes, confused smile on his face. How else can a man whose name is Willard Raymond, have his twin, Lillard Naymond die at birth, and survive to find joy in hardship?

Do you know what song my grandfather wanted played at his funeral? "Why me, Lord?" Initially, it seemed silly, a jokesters response to death, but the words are anything but silly: "Why me Lord? What have I ever done, to deserve even one, of the pleasures I've known. Tell me Lord, what did I ever do, that was worth loving you, for the kindness you've shown? Lord help me Jesus, I've wasted it so help me Jesus, I know what I am, but now that I know that I needed you so, help me Jesus. My souls in your hands."

If my family has given me anything, it is the legacy of laughter - some people should be so lucky. Offensive and not somber enough to some people, yet I don't know how else to be. If you find my blogs offensive, as I find harshness to those already lying in a heap, than please don't read anymore. I already find life difficult enough right now - not always, but I assure you even now, we find laughter, joy, and love in our home every single day, and probably much more than most.

We pray for Mim and Cat. We pray for our neighbors. We pray for our enemies, because to do anything else would be ridiculous and contrary to who I am.